100+ Best Office Quotes – Michael, Dwight, Jim, Pam, And Creed Wisdom

These best Office quotes are guaranteed to make you laugh. Michael and Dwight might be among the crowds’ favorites, but some of the following quotes apply to office life today. Since we’re all about office life on standorsit.com, it’s time to have a break and relax.

100+ best Office quotes to remember

The quote everybody remembers

  1. “Meredith, you’ve slept with so many men you’re beginning to look like one.”

The under-the-belt remark

  1. “Toby is HR so he’s not really a part of our family. Toby is also divorced so he’s not really a part of his family either.”

Details, details, details

  1. “Angela, I didn’t see you there behind that grain of rice!”

When doomsday seems closer, find the best The Office Quote

  1. “We have two spare keys. Dwight has both. I asked him: “what happens if you die, Dwight?” He said: “if I’m dead, the rest of you have been dead for weeks.” Pam.

Yin and Yang or the good and the bad the best Office quotes

  1. “I’m not perfect. Sometimes I volunteer too much. Sometimes I give too much to charity. And sometimes I hit people with my car. So sue me.”

The rhetorical question

  1. “Boy have you lost your mind because I can help you find it?”

A story about progress, forgiveness, and acceptance

  1. “I’m not offended by homosexuality. In the ’60s, I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain, and it’s possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.”

The best Office references you can use at your job

  1. “Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name: Creed Bratton.”

The nobody else laughs joke

  1. “When Pam gets Michaels chair, I get Pams old chair. Then I’ll have two chairs. Only one to go.”

The guy at the office who should be on The Price Is Right

  1. “$7000 for a cat? I could get you a kid for that.”

The wait for it joke

  1. “When I was 5, I imagined there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this was before I had ever seen one or heard about one. I just drew a picture of a horse that could fly over rainbows and had a huge spike in its head. I was five. Five years old. Couldn’t even talk yet.”.

The best Office quote Reddit users love

  1. “It all seems so very arbitrary. I applied for a job at this company because they were hiring. I took a desk at the back because it was empty. But, no matter how you get there or where you end up, human beings have this miraculous gift to make that place home. Let’s do this.” Creed Bratton

The painful one

  1. “Snip! Snap! Snip! You have no idea the toll that having 3 vasectomies has on a man!”

The aha moment!

  1. “If I can’t scuba, what’s this all been about? What have I been working towards?”

Please wish me well… now

  1. “Michael: hey Jan I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday

Jan: well today’s not my birthday so

Michael: really? Cause I always thought we had the same birthday

Jan: …. Happy birthday Michael!”

It’s all about anecdotes

  1. “Look, I know it’s easy to say tonight was just a fluke, and maybe it was. But here’s a piece of trivia: A fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea, so if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are… you just might catch one.” Kevin Malone

It’s X much to fix that

  1. “That is a $200 plasma screen TV that you just killed! Good luck paying me back with your zero-dollars-a-year salary plus benefits, babe!” Michael

With the hand on the phone, preparing to dial 911

  1. “I know tons of 14-year-old girls that could beat up Dwight – Michael.

“You know tons of 14-year-old girls?” Jim

The Office quote about love… or missing love

  1. “If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.” – Michael Scott

The role play

  1. “Dwight: Come on, the whole two bullet thing is a red herring. Here’s how you do it: You line them all up, you take one bullet, shoot them all through the throat at the same time. Watch this. [stands up and points to Phyllis] Phyllis, you’re Hitler. Come up here. Toby, you’re Toby. Andy, you’re Bin Laden. Line up, throats together.”

The best Office quote inspired by ads

  1. Toby: I don’t wanna do this.

Michael: “[shouting] Toby, just do it! God!”

Make a comparison and then ruin it

  1. “I’m always thinking one step ahead. Like a carpenter that makes stairs.” Andy Bernard

The bigger picture

  1. “In the parking lot today, there was a circus. The copier did tricks on the high wire. A lady tried to give away a baby that looked like a cat. There was a Dwight impersonator and a Jim impersonator. A strongman crushed a turtle. I laughed and I cried. Not bad for a day in the life of a dog food company.” Creed

Best office quotes of all time relating to philosophy

  1. “If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with the rain. Do you know which ‘philosopher’ said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she’s just a pair of tits.”

The animal lover

  1. “When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.”

I wish I was as Ben Franklin

  1. “Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever. Ben Franklin: Well, actually, I never was president. Michael Scott: [quietly] Yes, but Ben Franklin was.”

How can someone agree with you?

  1. “I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.”

Meredith at it again

  1. “Who’s the one who didn’t bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars, and yeah I BMed in the shredder on New Years. But I didn’t bring the lice in. That was all Pam.”

The golden Dunder Miffling days

  1. “You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the eighties before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. Guh. Man, did they move paper!”

If this is not equality, I don’t know what is

  1. “Now, you may look around and see two groups here. White collar, blue collar. But I don’t see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.”

I can’t stand others being successful Office quote

  1. “Michael Scott: [Pam walks away] I would never say this to her face, but she’s a wonderful person and a gifted artist.”

When nobody understands your motivation

  1. Oscar Martinez: What…why wouldn’t you say that to her face.”

“PAM! PAM-PAM!!” look on Pam’s face

Let’s get smart

  1. “Webster’s Dictionary defines wedding as: The fusing of two metals with a hot torch.”.

Prepare to take notes

  1. “Don’t ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you’ve been, ever, for any reason whatsoever.” – Michael Scott

The best Office quote which we can all relate to

  1. “Sometimes I’ll start a sentence, and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.”

I can find it cheaper

  1. “You’re paying way too much for worms, man. Who’s your worm guy?”

Say thanks for what you have right now

  1. “In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, ‘Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me. I’m dead.’ Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.”

No, no, no, nightmare

  1. “I feel like all my kids grew up, and then they married each other. It’s every parent’s dream.” Michael

The smooth into

  1. ‘I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” Dwight

Let’s dissect an old problem

  1. “Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you are nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you, and that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then… Then suddenly she’s not your ho no more! ” Michael Scott

I’m not bragging but…

  1. “Hey, brah. I’ve been meaning to ask you. Can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy’s gotta ride the bull, am I right? Later, skater.”

Are you happy?

  1. “Michael asks Toby, “Why are you the way that you are?” In that highly annoyed, yet deadpan tone. I use that line almost every day.”

The Marvel character which never made it past the auditions

  1. “Dwight: Who is Justice Beaver?

Jim:….He’s a…crime fighting beaver.”

Nobody wants to hear pregnancy stories

  1. “When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.” Dwight

If everybody understood what Youtube is all about

  1. “We need to make sure Youtube gets down here to film this” -Michael Scott.

The phonecall

  1. “David Brent: Sammy, you old slag. It’s the Brentmeister general. Have you advertised for the forklift driver’s job? No? Good, don’t bother. I’ve got the man here. He’s perfect. Has he passed his forklift driver’s test? He gives the tests. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he’s first aid trained, yeah. We’ll get a C.V. over to you this afternoon. I’m seeing you Sunday, aren’t I? For my sins? How is Elaine? She left you yet? … Yep, alright, see you then (hangs up) She has left him. I forgot about that.”

Ranking the all-time sad memories

  1. “Ronnie was bleh. Things were at an all-time sad here. But then I got an e-mail from Ryan, that he was coming back to town. And I called the temp agency and I told them I will pay you any amount, just give me Ryan Howard. Give him to me. I want him. I need him.” Michael

What’s really going on here?

  1. “When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us to believe that he was the father. By telling us that he was the father.” Jim

Let’s stay calm

  1. “Several weeks ago, Andy Bernard had an incident. [Andy punches the wall here]. But after five weeks in anger management, I’m back. And I’ve got a new attitude. And a new name. And a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies.” Andy

It’s like I’ve been to war

  1. “The Japanese camp guards of World War II always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.” Dwight

Why aren’t you laughing?

  1. “I ground up four extra-strength aspirin and put them in Michael’s pudding. I do the same thing with my dog to get him to take his heartworm medicine.” Ryan

Nobody sees you in a crowded office

  1. “Identification badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?” Dwight

Some things are better left untold

  1. “Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don’t see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.” Michael

I’m too cool for school

  1. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”

The Al Bundy of The Office

  1. “I am fast. To give you a reference point, I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.” Dwight

Putting unusual things together

  1. People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses… second only to the neck.” Dwight

When I only want to ask one thing

  1. “I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you?” Kelly

I can’t believe nobody said it before

  1. “I’ve been involved in a number of cults both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower but you make more money as a leader.” Creed

The fine analysis

  1. “This is parkour, the internet sensation of 2004. It was in one of the Bond films. It’s pretty impressive. The point is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible, so technically they are doing parkour as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital.” Jim

The brutal honesty

  1. “Who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of a game is that?” Kelly

The best Office quote about friendship and its meaning

  1. “There is no such thing as an appropriate joke, that’s why it’s a joke.” Ryan

I’m already past the line

  1. “Ultimatums are key. Basically nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.” Kelly

Working from home at the office

  1. “Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of painkillers, drank a bottle of wine, took my pants off. I just feel good.” Andy

Something you can hear at alcoholics anonymous

  1. “I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before … try.” Jim

The kid that got no love

  1. “Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.” Michael

The little viking

  1. “It just seems to be mean, but sometimes, the end justifies the mean” Michael

Just change the word a bit

  1. “I’m not superstitious, but I’m a little stitious” Michael

office quote

When you have to face facts

  1. “I miss Dwight, congratulations universe, you win!” Jim Halpert

Who said chivalry is dead?

  1. “A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present” Dwight

Best office space quotes for the social media denier

  1. “I really should have a Twitter account – Dwight wondering about king-size sheets’ names in England” Dwight

You don’t appreciate me at my true value

  1. “I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes Batman’s gotta take off his cape.” Kevin

The walking zombie

  1. “Meredith, you lit your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow? What is going to happen when you come into work and you’re dead?” Michael

Minimalism redefined

  1. “Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are just too flashy.” Angela

You want to hear this one

  1. “You know what they say about a car wreck, where it’s so awful you can’t look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.” Pam

The never-ending story

  1. “I don’t talk trash, I talk smack. They’re totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You’re ugly and I know it for a fact ’cause I got the evidence right there.” Kelly

Yes, it’s time for a break

  1. “I guess I’ve been working so hard, I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working.” Michael

Somethings are better left untold II

  1. “The people here are amazing debaters. I guess you can say they are master-baters.” Kevin.

The Office quote which still makes you laugh while trying not to make you laugh

  1. “I normally don’t enjoy making people laugh.” Angela

I’ve heard that one before

  1. “Should have burned this place down when I had the chance.” Michael

This one reminds me of Seinfeld

  1. “Mini cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes? Which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?” Kevin

Can anyone help?

  1. “Mr. Scott, who is this other woman, Ryan, who you refer to as ‘Just as hot as Jan, but in a different way.”

The bigger picture quote

  1. “In the end, the greatest snowball isn’t a snowball at all…it’s fear. Merry Christmas.” Dwight

Babies taken the wrong way

  1. “Kelly: Cool. Well, he is so cute. Ravi, check out this cute baby. I’m obsessed with him. Ravi is a pediatrician and some of his patients are total oogos.

Ravi: They’re called premature, sweetie.”

Take a cup of coffee and be patient

  1. “When I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was puke. I would chug a fifth of socos, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people’s empties, some brewskies, some Jell-O shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out, wake up the next morning, puke, rally, more soco, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I had let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me Ace. It was totally awesome. Got straight B’s. They called me Buzz.”

Put the money where your mouth is

  1. “Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly… I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.” Dwight

You can’t handle the truth

  1. “I find the mystery genre disgusting. I hate being titillated.” Angela

A new perspective on an old issue

  1. “I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They’re always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I’m constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don’t get sore too? Do you think I don’t need to know the fastest way to the hospital?” Standley

Things you do online

  1. “Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed’s brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I’ve read some of it. Even for the Internet, it’s… pretty shocking.” Ryan

Simple does it

  1. “There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?” Pam

Things should have bene an advert in the 80s

  1. “Today, smoking is going to save lives.” Dwight

Things just keep getting worse and worse

  1. “Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he’s not really a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced, so he’s really not a part of his family.”

Michael who?

  1. “Thats what she said”

Short and punchy

  1. “Dwight, you ignorant slut!”

A bit of cyber security Office quoting

  1. “What are you doing? Identity theft is not a joke, Jim. Millions of families suffer every year!”

Not accepting it as it really is

  1. “Kevin- She wasn’t that hot.

Michael- Yes she was….damn it Kevin!!”

It happens all the time

  1. “Every week, I’m supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.”

The best Office quotes you can rehearse in a group

  1. “Is this enough to get 20 people plastered?”

“Fifteen bottles of vodka? Yeah that should do it.”

What’s with the worm jokes in The Office?

  1. Michael Scott: I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.

Technically, I don’t even work here

  1. “You can’t fire me, I don’t work in this van!”

The best Office quote attributed to Michael which wasn’t actually told by Michael

  1. “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Wayne Gretzky” written on Michael’s wall